just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
