Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
