I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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