There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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