I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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