Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
