i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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