The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I think I won the penis lottery.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
