you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
