Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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