Someone shit on the floor
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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