Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We have started to decorate penises.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My penis needs a shock collar
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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