How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
smell my finger.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Randomize
