there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
the liver wants what the liver wants
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
