Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
