I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
