he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
