pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
