mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize