yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
