on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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