Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
