I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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