he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
