I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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