Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
