I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
