my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
