Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
