sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
