bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
