Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
