So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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