I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Randomize
