why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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