So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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