I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
