you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
