Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
