i already hear my dad disowning me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
