guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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