Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Mom said you looked used
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
