I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
