Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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