Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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