Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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