i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
