Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
