How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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