went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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