Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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