I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I didn't notice because vodka
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
